怎么与急性子的人相处

xia0yu
January 27, 2010, 02:50 AM posted in General Discussion

My boyfriend is a warm-hearted but a bad-temper man. There's no thing wrong in our relationship,but everytime when I make some mistake (just very little thing in daily life), he then gets angry fast, and shouts to me loudy. But very soon later he gets over it. Maybe those things look no serious to him, but when he loses temper to me I feel very sad, and just can\\'t get them out of my head very long time.

If he is a good-tempered man, that will be perfect, but he can not change himself forever. 

Can anybody tell me, if you have any good idea getting well with bad-tempered person?

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pretzellogic
January 27, 2010, 02:52 AM

There isn't a good way to deal with this.  If this is how he acts, then this is how he acts.

Lynn13560, you have some choices:

a)explain to your boyfriend that shouting for minor things bothers you. See if he listens and if he wants to change. 

b)accept that he's not going to change, and that he's always going to have a bad temper.  You would therefore need to get a different boyfriend (one that does not lose his temper over minor things).  Not all men lose their tempers over minor things.

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xia0yu

pretzellogic , thanks for your advice, and I wonder if you are a man or a woman? Cause that's a important factor to consider your opinion.

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pretzellogic

Interesting that you ask. Is it that a guy telling you about the behavior of other guys would have more credibility here?

Prior to the style changes, it would have been easy to figure out if I were man or woman, but i'll tell you i'm a guy. I am definitely an expert on the behavior of guys ! :) But your question is really more a people behavior issue.

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xia0yu

But your question is really more a people behavior issue.

I don't understand it, can you translate this sentence to Chinese?

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pretzellogic

This is from MDBG translate:

但是你的问题真正地是更多人行为问题.

But i'll try and say it more simply: The question you asked about your boyfriend's temper, is also an appropriate question for a woman's behavior as well. Although a woman is less likely to hit a man, she can be very bad tempered. A man who is the boyfriend of such a woman would have a similar question to yours.

In China, it seems that it is very important what your family thinks about your boyfriend, and that the family's thoughts about the boyfriend might be given more importance than your thoughts about him, as long as he does not physically hurt you. Is this the case?

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pretzellogic
January 27, 2010, 09:20 AM

Lynn, one more thing to say about this. When he loses his temper, if he is calling you names, that is unacceptable. That should be unacceptable if you are Chinese, American or whatever nationality. For example, if you lose your keys and get locked out of the house, he should never say, "you are so stupid! you are so dumb, how can you lose your keys again!" You should definitely get rid of this guy. That type of problem is really hard to fix, even if he wants to fix it. And he may not realize the damage he's doing to your relationship.

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xia0yu
January 27, 2010, 03:33 AM

pretzellogic , thanks for your advice, and I wonder if you are a man or a woman? Cause that's a important factor to consider your opinion.

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pretzellogic
January 27, 2010, 03:43 AM

Interesting that you ask. Is it that a guy telling you about the behavior of other guys would have more credibility here?

Prior to the style changes, it would have been easy to figure out if I were man or woman, but i'll tell you i'm a guy. I am definitely an expert on the behavior of guys ! :) But your question is really more a people behavior issue.

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xia0yu
January 27, 2010, 03:50 AM

tal, the fact is that we have communicate 7 years, and we are on the way to marriage... my mother likes him very much, and she said I must accept his action, cause every guy is like this when young. Maybe now our relationship is already like wife and husband...Well I am a little confused.

You know, in China there are really many husband like my boyfiriend, though they love their wives deeply.

Maybe I shouldn't ask this question, because it has no different answers.

To be or not to be, that's a question. Just to be optimistic, right?

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Tal
January 27, 2010, 03:01 AM

Lynn, take my word for it, you should be thinking of ending this relationship and moving on with your life. Maybe he's a very young guy who has never learned how to manage his emotions, but unless he's willing to get help with this from a caring professional, (I mean a psychologist of some kind), then it's going to take him years and maybe even some pain in the form of rejections from women to teach him the error of his ways.

Also think carefully about whether you're willing to be married to a person who treats you like this. If he behaves like this when he's just your boyfriend, what kind of husband will he be?

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xia0yu

tal, the fact is that we have communicate 7 years, and we are on the way to marriage... my mother likes him very much, and she said I must accept his action, cause every guy is like this when young. Maybe now our relationship is already like wife and husband...Well I am a little confused.

You know, in China there are really many husband like my boyfiriend, though they love their wives deeply.

Maybe I shouldn't ask this question, because it has no different answers.

To be or not to be, that's a question. Just to be optimistic, right?

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nuaa_er

I agree with u.Men are always take a long time to mature.

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pretzellogic

After 7 years in a relationship, asking for advice now seems to imply that you really can\\'t accept that this guy is yelling at you for small things. I do not personally know all 676,939,076 Chinese guys, but I am sure that they do not all yell at their girlfriends/wives for small things.

How old is this guy anyway? If he is 40, he is likely as mature as he is ever going to be. If he is 30 years old, he is almost as mature as he is ever going to get. If he is 20, then give him a few more years.

Another way to think about your situation is this:

1) list the 10 most important things that you want in a boyfriend that you would marry (he is good looking, he has ambition, he dresses well, he is nice to your friends, etc...)

2) list the 10 most important things that you do not want in a boyfriend (he is a drug dealer, he hits you regularly, he is mean to his family, etc...)

3) does your boyfriend have most of the good qualities, and none of the bad ones?

I think it is true that no one is perfect, and there are no guys that are perfect. Or you can spend a lot of time looking for the perfect guy. Tough call.

Do you know his ex-girlfriends? If so, have you talked to them?

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Tal

Lynn, I don\\'t believe every guy is like this when young, and I don\\'t think you should just accept it. That\\'s just 老封建 isn\\'t it? But then, I\\'m a westerner, so of course perhaps I don\\'t fully understand Chinese culture. nuaa_er is right that (most) men take a long time to mature, but that\\'s no reason not to try and speed the process up with education and reason, and there\\'s no reason why men should be allowed to think that behaving like that is OK. In my opinion, a real man learns to control his emotion, and he should be wise enough to accept it\\'s necessary.

I still think that if you marry this guy, you're going to end up regretting it. Don't take so much notice of your mother, and don't feel like there's no one else for you but your current boyfriend. There are plenty of guys in the world who don't behave like this, and you could find one for sure.

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xia0yu

pretzellogic, I have to say your suggestion-listing 10 things- is really useful, nobody told me these before, I think I need time to think about it, and now I will give him a few more time to improve our relation.

He is 25 years old, we started from 早恋when at school(puppy love?)

he is never a drug dealer, and never hits me. That he yelling at me is also not only at me, it's just his habit. My boyfriend is typical Aries-a man of impulse, also a man strong sense of duty, that is why I said if he is good-tempered, that will be perfect.

However,\"After 7 years in a relationship, asking for advice now seems to imply that you really can't accept that this guy is yelling at you for small things.\" Maybe you are right, pretzellogic. When I was 17 I don't know what I really want.

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xia0yu

tal_ what you said also inspired me. 老封建, yeah, one of my friends also said me like this. :) But I think 老封建也有老封建的好 , at least 老封建 always have loyal love. I'm a tradional girl and I hope I have a steady family. If my parents don't like my boyfriend, how can they live well together in future ? And is it that leaving him just due to bad temper really worthy to do ?

但是你的问题真正地是更多人行为问题. I see, but it might be 但是你的问题其实也是很多人的问题。

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xia0yu
January 27, 2010, 03:57 AM

But your question is really more a people behavior issue.

I don't understand it, can you translate this sentence to Chinese?

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pretzellogic
January 27, 2010, 04:04 AM

After 7 years in a relationship, asking for advice now seems to imply that you really can\\'t accept that this guy is yelling at you for small things. I do not personally know all 676,939,076 Chinese guys, but I am sure that they do not all yell at their girlfriends/wives for small things.

How old is this guy anyway? If he is 40, he is likely as mature as he is ever going to be. If he is 30 years old, he is almost as mature as he is ever going to get. If he is 20, then give him a few more years.

Another way to think about your situation is this:

1) list the 10 most important things that you want in a boyfriend that you would marry (he is good looking, he has ambition, he dresses well, he is nice to your friends, etc...)

2) list the 10 most important things that you do not want in a boyfriend (he is a drug dealer, he hits you regularly, he is mean to his family, etc...)

3) does your boyfriend have most of the good qualities, and none of the bad ones?

I think it is true that no one is perfect, and there are no guys that are perfect. Or you can spend a lot of time looking for the perfect guy. Tough call.

Do you know his ex-girlfriends? If so, have you talked to them?

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Tal
January 27, 2010, 04:08 AM

Lynn, I don\\'t believe every guy is like this when young, and I don\\'t think you should just accept it. That\\'s just 老封建 isn\\'t it? But then, I\\'m a westerner, so of course perhaps I don\\'t fully understand Chinese culture. nuaa_er is right that (most) men take a long time to mature, but that\\'s no reason not to try and speed the process up with education and reason, and there\\'s no reason why men should be allowed to think that behaving like that is OK. In my opinion, a real man learns to control his emotion, and he should be wise enough to accept it\\'s necessary.

I still think that if you marry this guy, you're going to end up regretting it. Don't take so much notice of your mother, and don't feel like there's no one else for you but your current boyfriend. There are plenty of guys in the world who don't behave like this, and you could find one for sure.

Profile picture
pretzellogic
January 27, 2010, 04:27 AM

This is from MDBG translate:

但是你的问题真正地是更多人行为问题.

But i'll try and say it more simply: The question you asked about your boyfriend's temper, is also an appropriate question for a woman's behavior as well. Although a woman is less likely to hit a man, she can be very bad tempered. A man who is the boyfriend of such a woman would have a similar question to yours.

In China, it seems that it is very important what your family thinks about your boyfriend, and that the family's thoughts about the boyfriend might be given more importance than your thoughts about him, as long as he does not physically hurt you. Is this the case?

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nuaa_er
January 27, 2010, 03:53 AM

I agree with u.Men are always take a long time to mature.