speak chinese like a native


Posted by xiaohu August 4, 2008 in the Group General Discussion .

Tags: Zhao Ben Shan, Fan Wei, Xiao Pin, Chinese Sketch Comedy, Cross Talk, Xiang Sheng, Stand Up Comedy, Comedy, Sketch Comedy, Chinse Comedians, Chinese New Years Festival

This is an experiment in a little bit different way of learning a language.  I'm a big believer in using Movies and TV to help lerarn a new language.

My idea is to first watch the video without the aid of any written material, the next step is to watch it at the same time as you read the English translation.

The next lesson will break down the text, we'll have a Pinyin translation and the new words table.


My very favorite Chinese sketch is one from 赵本山, (Zhao Ben Shan) which is the last in a trilogy of ultra-famous sketches. The preceeding two parts in the series were called 卖拐 (mai4 guai3 or "sell the crutch") and 买车 (mai4 che1 meaning "sell the wheelchair").

This sketch can help us learn alot of interesting phrases and collocations, and also quite a bit of 北方话 (northern dialect) which is quite popular in China now.

This series of sketches popularized the phrase 忽悠!(hu1 you1) meaning, to trick.

The first monolgue by Fan4 Wei3 was so popular it came as a standard ring tone in Chinese cell phones!

In the previous two episodes our friend Fan Wei has been tricked twice by Zhao Ben Shan's 脑筋急转弯 Nao3 Jin1 Ji2 Zhuan3 Wan1 (mind games) into buying a Crutch and Wheelchair (neither of which he actually needed) at highly inflated prices and he is determined never to be tricked again. He quits his job as a Chef and opens up a 防忽悠热线 fang2 hu1 you1 re4 xian4, meaning a "trickery prevention hotline".

When we pick up the action, Zhao4 Ben3 Shan1 has come to play his last and greatest trick on the nieve Fan4 Wei3.

But maybe Fan4 Wei3 has a few tricks of his own up his sleeve!

This is part one.

First watch the video, THEN read the translation, see what words that you know stick out to you while watching.  If you don't understnad much it's okay, just try and appreciate the video for the perfomances and let the body language and events that take place help you piece it together.

The next step will be a Pinyin translation and we'll go over the new words.

赵本山: 听说他,不当厨师改防忽悠热线了,竟感扬言再不上当受骗了,残酷的现实以直逼我心理防线了,今年我要不卖他点儿啥,承诺三年的话题我就没法跟观众兑现了!

Zhao4 Ben3 Shan1: I heard he quit his job as a Restaurant Chef and opened up a trickery prevention hotline, and has the gall to never allow himself to be duped or tricked again!  The cruel reality of the situation is that I'm forced to strengthen my psychological line of defense.  This year, I'm not going to sell him anything at all, there's no way I can honor the commitment I've made to those watching three years ago.

蔡维利: 师傅,咱进去吧。

Cai Wei Li: Master, let's go in.

赵本山: 别着急,先拨个骚扰电话!

Zhao Ben Shan: Not so fast, first let's make a crank call.

范伟: 您好,这里是见你,见你,一眼会一眼防忽悠咨询热线,我是自身上当者老范,凭借多年上当经验,对你是否被忽悠了做出明确判断。~~~有人卖拐请按1,有人卖车请按2,有人出脑筋急转弯儿请按3,有人卖担架直接拨110!

Fan Wei: Hello, this is the Watching Out For You Like a Hawk Trickery Prevention Hotline, this is the Master Fool Mr. Fan, by virtue of our many years experience being duped, whether you've been played the fool or not, we can help you make a wise decision. 

If someone is attempting to sell you a Crutch, please...press one now, if someone is attempting to sell you a Wheelchair, please...press two now. If someone is attempting to play mind games, please...press three now.  If someone is attempting to sell you a Stretcher, please......hang up now and dial 911!

赵本山: 你好!

Zhao Ben Shan: Hello!

范伟: 你好!

Fan Wei: Hello!

赵本山: 请问您是范师傅吧?

Zhao Ben Shan: May I ask, are you Mr. Fan?

范伟: 啊~你是哪位?

Fan Wei: Yes, may I ask who speaking?

赵本山: 我是~~~有一个问题想直接咨询你老一下。

Zhao Ben Shan: I am....someone who needs to ask you some advice.

范伟: 啊,你说!

Fan Wei: Okay, go ahead!

赵本山: 我们家有头老母猪啊,黑地儿白

Zhao Ben Shan: There is an old Pig at our house, with crazy eyes, this morning it busted out of the fence and ran wildly around the yard at 80 miles an hour, then WHACK!!!  It slammed full force into a tree and died!

范伟: 撞死了?这个猪的视力是不是有什么问题啊?

Fan Wei: Slammed into a tree and died?  Then does the Pig have some kind of problem with it's vision?

赵本山: 俩眼睛都是1.5的!

Zhao Ben Shan: Both eyes are 20/20!

范伟: 会不会有什么心理疾病啊?

Fan Wei: Then would you say it has some kind of serious heart condition?

赵本山: 心理可健康了呢!

Zhao Ben Shan: It's heart if perfectly healthy!

范伟: 那怎么会撞死呢?

Fan Wei: Then how could it just slam into a tree and die?

赵本山: 因为那头猪不会脑筋急转弯呗!

Zhao Ben Shan: Well obviously because it can't play any mind games!

范伟: 我说你这个人不讲究啊,你不按套路出牌啊,出脑筋急转弯你得按3啊。既然这样的话我也咨询个问题!

Fan Wei: Hmph, I have to say you're really something, you can't even follow simple directions, for playing mind games you have to PRESS THREE!  So while we're at it, let me ask you for a little advice.

赵本山: 你说!

Zhao Ben Shan: Go ahead!

范伟: 过年了,我们家什么年货也没买,就剩下一头猪和一头驴,你说我是先杀猪呢,还是先杀驴呢?

Fan Wei: When bringing in the new year, we didn't buy any supplies for the house, we've just got a Pig and a Donkey that we can slaughter for food, so tell me, do we first slaughter the Pig or the Donkey?

赵本山: 那你先杀~~给你们俩个机会!

Zhao Ben Shan: Then first slaughter...(looks to his two assistants for help) okay, I'll give you two a chance to guess.

蔡维利: 驴肉好吃!先杀驴!

Cai Wei Li: Donkey meat is really good!  Slaughter the Donkey!

赵本山: 先杀驴!

Zhao Ben Shan: Slaughter the Donkey!

范伟: 恭喜你答对啦,猪也是这么想的! ~~~小样儿,~~~~哼!

Fan Wei: CONGRATULATIONS! You've guess right! That's exactly what the Pig said too!

赵本山: 悲哀,真让我替你感到悲哀,眼看就要独闯江湖了,这怎么能让我放心的下?

Zhao Ben Shan: (embarassed, knowing he's been made to look stupid) PATHETIC!  I really feel for you pathetic losers! You two just made me look like an idiot!  And how exactly am I going to put any stock in you guys?

王晓虎: 师傅,先杀猪好了!

Wang Xiao Hu: Boss, just slaughter the Pig then!

赵本山: 那驴也是这么想的!我告诉你,就这个问题你先杀谁都不好使!我为什么没回答呢,就因为我考虑他是有问题的!~~诶呀,看到没?

Zhao Ben Shan: Then that's what the DONKEY SAID TOO!  I'm telling you, with this riddle whichever animal you say to slaughter is the WRONG ANSWER!  Jeez, already hip to my games!

蔡维利: 师傅,他太厉害了,我看咱回去吧!

Cai Wei Li: Sir, he's too smart for us, let's just go back home!

赵本山: 不行,卖拐把他忽悠瘸了,卖车把他忽悠嗫了,在10分钟之内不把他摆平,我就没法跟你俩当教师爷了!

Zhao Ben Shan: No way! The first time I tricked him lame, the second time I tricked him dumb, and within ten minutes I'm gonna trick him until he can't walk!  Alright, that's it there's no way I can be you guys' master!


Cai Wei Si, Wang Xiao Hu: Master!  Wait, calm down, tricking is in our blood!

赵本山: 好,看我的眼色行事,进去! 美了他了,看看,呀哈,还跑了,往哪跑!

Zhao Ben Shan: Okay, fine.  Just watch and learn boys! (Zhao Ben Shan throws on a blanket, sits down in the Wheelchair and strikes a silly pose with his thumb and pinky outstretched, looking crosseyed and shaking.  His assistants wheel him over to the door)

蔡维利: 请问范厨师在吗?

Cai Wei Li: Excuse me, is Mr. Fan in?

范伟: 诶,哪位?你们咨询~~~诶呀 诶呀

Fan Wei: (Walking out the door, coming toward them), Hi, who is it? So do you guys need a consultation....(eyeing the poor wretch that is Zhao Ben Shan), oh man...whoa, whoa, whoa
, whoa, whoa...whoa.....whoa...........whoa..........whoa.......

(Fan Wei runs over to Zhao Ben Shan, seeing him with his fingers posed like a surfer dude making the 'narly' sign).

(Imitating Zhao Ben Shan's silly pose) So what does this mean?

Wow, now that's original! (like a lightbulb going off in his head) VERY 6 PLUS 7! (a take off on one of China's most popular TV Talk Show's who's name is "Very 6 plus 1" 非常六加一and who's Host just so happened to be hosting the Spring Festival that year).

Is this the next great trick of the year? So how did you just so happen to drop in on my place huh?  Out of the clear blue sky what Angel's big sister has fallen from the sky into my doorstep?

So the Pig slammed into a tree and died huh?  Or maybe YOU slammed into the Pig.  Chasing it's tail!

(Zhao Ben Shan sticks three fingers into the air)

So how come you've changed to three fingers, hhmmm?

赵本山: 三年了,我都想死你了!

Zhao Ben Shan: It's been three long years, I've been missing you!

范伟: 忽悠!

Fan Wei: TRICK!

赵本山: 我是向你忏悔来了!

Zhao Ben Shan: I can to repent!

范伟: 接着忽悠!

Fan Wei: I'm being tricked!

赵本山: 有我徒弟做证!

Zhao Ben Shan: Let my disciples testify!

蔡维利、王晓虎: 恩!

Cai Wei Li, Wang Xiao Hu: Uh huh!

范伟: 组团忽悠我来了啊,不好使了大忽悠,只要我们这些善良的人对你提高警惕,你还会什么?啊?不就会几个脑筋急转弯吗!地上1个猴,树上7个猴,既是两个猴,又是8个猴!

Fan Wei: The whole posse's come out to trick me!  As long as good guys like me are on guard against your tricks, what are you gonna do? Huh? Are you gonna pull out a few more of your mind games?  There's a monkey on the ground, seven monkeys in the trees, oh now it's two moneys, uh oh...now it's eight monkeys! 

赵本山: 也可能三个猴,还可能9个猴!

Zhao Ben Shan: Also might be three monkeys, or it might be nine monkeys!

范伟: 怎么又变了呢?

Fan Wei: So how do you think you've changed?

赵本山: 怀孕一个猴!

Zhao Ben Shan: I'm pregnant with a monkey!

范伟: 有意思吗?

Fan Wei: Do you think it's funny?

赵本山: 没意思,我不是给你出脑筋急转弯那个初级阶段了,我是向你赔礼道歉来了!三年了,在这个世界上最对不起的人就是范厨师,多么好的人,我常跟你们说,你说我忽悠他干啥?多么忠厚老实!你打我两下,你下不去手,你骂我两句,你张不开嘴,这样,反正你原谅我也来了,不原谅我也来了,原谅不原谅我都带着诚意铺面而来地!

Zhao Ben Shan: No, it's not funny, maybe I used to use mind games to trick you but I'm over that now.  I came to apologize to you! These three yerars, the one person in the world that needs an apology more than any other is you, Chef Fan!  Such a good man!  So sincere, honest and upright!  HERE...SLAP ME I DESERVE IT!  (Fan Wei raises his hand to slap Zhao Ben Shan)Wait, uh...don't move your hand!  Okay, just bawl me out, I deserve it!  (Fan Wei opens his mouth to yell), Uh, WAIT...don't open your mouth!  If you forgive me I'd come, but even if you don't forgive me I'd still come!  Whether you forgive me or not I'm still with my honest face here humbly asking your forgiveness!

范伟: 呀呀呀呀呀呀,还铺面呢!

Fan Wei: Yeah, yeah, yeah...your honest face huh?

赵本山: 把我搀起!

Zhao Ben Shan: Here, help me up!

(Zhao Ben Shan, slowly rises from the Wheelchair, stumbles forward towards Fanw Wei, while Fan Wei nervously backs away trying not to let Zhao Ben Shan come any closer.)

范伟: 呀 呀 能站起来啊 没啥病啊 诶呀呀呀呀 走两步 走两步

Hhmm, hhmm, oh you can stand up!  There's nothing wrong with you after all!  Walk a couple steps, go ahead walk a couple steps!

(Zhao Ben Shan stumbles faster and faster landing his head on Fan Wei's Chest.  Fan Wei is in a complete dither, not knowing what to do, definately not wanting to touch Zhao Ben Shan, he raises his hands, as if Zhao Ben Shan is the bearer of a deadly communicable disease that Fan Wei doesn't want to catch!)

诶诶诶诶 额人是不是?大伙都看着呢啊,出现什么意外跟我没关系啊!你老整这个悬的愣干啥,你赶紧站起来啊!有什么事你赶紧说好不好?

Uh...uh...uh.....Not feeling well are we?  Those guys are watching, uh I really wasn't expecting this but it's okay!  What are you doing so abruptly hanging your head on me sir?  Hurry, stand up!  If there's something you want to say the please just say it!

(Fan Wei is still scared to death to think of touching Zhao Ben Shan even to get his head off of him!)

赵本山: 你想听吗?

Zhao Ben Shan: Do you want to hear it?

范伟: 我想听!

Fan Wei: Yes!

赵本山: 听完你信吗?

Zhao Ben Shan: Will you trust me?

范伟: 你只要站起来我就信!

Fan Wei: As long as you get off me then I'll believe you!

赵本山: 你撤吧,我能站起来!

Zhao Ben Shan: All right, stand back, I can get up!

(Zhao Ben Shan slowly withdraws his head from Fan Wei's shoulder and stands up)

范伟: 说啊!

Fan Wei: Okay, so say it!

赵本山: 说来话长啊,记得那是2003年的第一场雪,比2002年来的稍晚一些!

Zhao Ben Shan: It's a long story, I remember it was the first snowfall of 2003, a little later the first snowfall of 2002!

范伟: 你整歌词干啥啊!有什么话,直接说!

Fan Wei: What are you reciting lyrics from a song for?  If you have something to say then just hurry up and say it!  Geez!

赵本山: 我不跟你玩虚的了,今天我就向你道歉来了,上货!眼熟吗?

Zhao Ben Shan: I'm not playing around with you, today I really did come to apologize to you! 

(Zhao Ben Shan reaches into his pocket and pulls out a wad of cash and a watch)

Look familiar?

范伟: 这就是你忽悠我那几百块钱?

Fan Wei: Is that the money you tricked me into giving you?

赵本山: 分文没动!

Zhao Ben Shan: I never spent a single cent!

范伟: 这是那块表?

Fan Wei: (eyeing the watch) This is that same Watch?

赵本山: 带在我手上就没走过字!

Zhao Ben Shan: It's never moved from my wrist!

范伟: 大哥!!~~

(Fan Wei runs into Zhao Ben Shan's arms!)


End of Part 1

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