清明节 Tomb Sweeping Day - Question for native Chinese
calkins
March 08, 2009, 03:11 PM posted in General DiscussionI have a question regarding Tomb Sweeping Day. If any native Chinese could help, I'd appreciate it greatly.
I have a friend whose mother died almost a year ago. I know this will be an especially difficult 清明节 for her. Anyway, I would like to give her a card (and possibly a small gift). As an "outsider", I don't want to be too obtrusive, but would appreciate some appropriate ways of expressing (in the card) my sympathy.
That's mainly what I'm looking for...what would be "normal" to write in the card...any suggestions on a gift would be a bonus.
Much thanks for any input!
azerdocmom
March 09, 2009, 02:29 AMHi, Brent
I don't know much about tomb sweeping, but since you asked about it, I thought the podcast on the topic might be useful:
http://chinesepod.com/lessons/tomb-sweeping-day/discussion
sushan
March 09, 2009, 07:50 AMYou didn't ask for waiguoren perspective, but anyways: Chinese are pretty stoic about grief and don't express as much sympathy, or in the same way, as we do in the west. If you knew the mom you could mention some nice memory of her to your friend, or just say normal things like 'it must feel very different this year without your mother around', or 'you must be thinking about your mother a lot! what do you remember about her?'
zhenlijiang
March 09, 2009, 08:13 AMif i met add yet another waiguoren's opinion: i think cassie's response says it all. you're obviously not talking about one of those hallmark things that put words like "With Sympathy" in your face (yucch!) but a very tasteful card on which you want to handwrite a personal message. still, this whole custom of expressing sympathy through cards is so foreign to us in Japan, i expect it to be much the same feeling in China.
better to call your friend i think, if not right on qingmingjie maybe the day after. i think she would really appreciate your remembering her loss and what the day means to her now this year. i don't feel it's so much about stoicism as not having that card-sending custom for this particular situation. it's a cultural difference that makes it seem almost light-handed and weird to us, and i'm saying this only because your intentions are obviously so good.
calkins
March 09, 2009, 08:50 AMThanks for everyone's suggestions. My gut was telling me that, as an outsider, it was probably best left alone, and the responses here have confirmed that.
I wanted to just hand-write on a nice card, like zhenlijiang mentioned, something very simple but in a similar expression that Chinese would use to show sympathy. But now even a card seems to be a little too much. I think I'll go with one of sushan's suggestions and simply say something like 'it must feel very different this year without your mother around'.
Changye also provided some nice things to say to someone who is grieving, in this QW here.
Anyway, thanks again everyone.
cassielin
March 08, 2009, 03:29 PMHi Brent,
We don't send cards on Tomb Sweeping Day!
People in my hometown will by some paper money which is for dead people. The whole family go to their past ancestors' tombs on that special day and wish their ancestors can bless them and also wish their ancestors can have good life in the heaven.
Btw, Brent, you are a nice person, I think your friend knows that.