还有,用词不要太繁琐。你这次就用了太多的修饰。其实说的都是同样的内容,没有多大意义。很多段落都要压缩一下。
háiyǒu ,yòngcí bùyào tài fánsuǒ 。nǐ zhècì jiù yòng le tài duō de xiūshì 。qíshí shuō de dōu shì tóngyàng de nèiróng ,méiyǒu duō dà yìyì 。hěn duō duànluò dōu yào yāsuō yīxià 。
Also, don't let your wording get too detailed. This time you used too many modifiers. It's actually all saying the same thing, so it doesn't mean much. Many of the paragraphs need to be condensed some.